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Tuesday, November 30, 2004

HOW NICE WHEN PERSONAL AND PROFESSIONAL INTERESTS COINCIDE


Lawyer: Sexual abuse ran rampant at Boychoir

By KRYSTAL KNAPP Staff Writer

TRENTON - Sexual molestation was so common at an elite Princeton music school for boys that teachers who assaulted students considered the abuse an important part of producing a world-class choir, a lawyer for a former student told the state Supreme Court yesterday.

Read the rest

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Monday, November 29, 2004

FOR THE NEW YEAR, THINGS I WANT TO HEAR NO MORE OF:

Krispy Kreme (Merciful Christ, can I go one day without some forced gratuitous reference to this Godforsaken outfit.)

The Pottery Barn rule (All editorial writers and commentators - pick some other conceit to drape your column upon, or fear my wrath.)

How The Pixies influenced Nirvana (If you didn't know this when it meant something, reading about it in The NYT 15 years later won't save you.)

Jim Gaffgen (pickle waving idiot will be consigned to the seventh circle of hell in CharacterFarm as soon as I can bear to write him up.)

The Hollywood Walk of Fame (Godzilla got a star today. It was on the news.)

Tom Wolfe (Only thing worse than his tree wasting monstrosities is the fact that he gets reviewed everywhere. Jumping Jesus! Would serious publications review Jackie Collins just to announce that she's awful?)







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Friday, November 19, 2004

MIDEAST MATCHING GAME

1. Saddam Hussein // A. May think of himself as a modern Saladin

2. Yasser Arafat // B. May think of himself as the new Saladin

3. Osama Bin Laden // C. Thinks of himself as a modern Saladin

4. Pervez Musharraf // D. Styled himself as a the new Saladin

5. Abu Musab al-Zarqawi // E. Thought of himself as the new Saladin

Directions: Match the name in first column with the correct descriptive phrase in second column.

Hint: If you get any wrong I will blow myself up, then come over and behead you.

Good Luck!

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Thursday, November 18, 2004

NOT VIETNAM

U.S. Wars by Duration

Name / Length in Months

Gulf War / 1
Spanish-American War / 4
World War I / 19
Mexican War / 20
Iraq War * / 21 (and counting) *subsumed into GWOT?
War of 1812 / 30
Korean War / 37
Global War on Terrorism* / 38 (and counting) *as defined by Bush administration
World War II / 44
Civil War / 48
Revolutionary War / 80
Vietnam War / 90


Current prognostications: here and here and here





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Wednesday, November 10, 2004

SAVE THE COUNTRY. MOVE TO NEVADA

Here's a suggestion to disgusted Democrats. Don't move to Canada, just move one state over.

California went for Kerry by over 1,000,000 votes. How about 25,000 of you California Kerry voters move to Nevada before the 2008 election (Bush won Nevada by 17,000 votes). And we need 200,000 or so of you to move to Arizona (Bush carried Arizona by 170,000). That puts Nevada and Arizona in the Democrat's column, while still leaving California with 750,000 Democratic votes to spare.

New York has 1,200,000 Kerry (Democratic) votes to spare. I suggest that 300,000 loyal Democrats pull up stakes and head to Florida before the next election.

Between them, Pennsylvania and Michigan have Democratic 250,000 votes to spare. We need 150,000 of these voters to relocate to Ohio. (Those closest to the border may be able to move and keep their day jobs.)

Perhaps instead of wasting their money on advertising, the Democratic National Committee and like-minded groups could underwrite these moves, or pay bonuses to the trailblazers.

It's not a political or moral crisis that the Democrats must solve, it's a simple matter of geography.



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Monday, November 08, 2004

ROLL OVER, ERNIE PYLE

Calling all intrepid photogenic war journalists:

The election's over. We know who won. Now quick, there's still time to get your collective asses back over to Iraq and get embedded at battle of Fallujah.

Oh, they say there will be a little less tank driving through the empty desert and maybe a little more real fighting. I know you won't want want to miss it.

Dan? Ted? Geraldo? CNN Gang?

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LUCA BRASI SLEEPS WITH THE CARD CATALOG

In which I get a call from "the field."

"Can I help you?" I ask.

"This is Lorna, from the field," a woman says.

"Can I help you?" I ask.

"I have a complaint about some of the forms you've been returning to us."

"Let me know the nature of your complaint," I say, "and I'll see if I can fix the problem."

"Before you say anything," Lorna says, "I must warn you; I have a librarian standing right next to me."




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Thursday, November 04, 2004

ELECTION REFLECTIONS

To Zogby: You can keep your day job. Oh? That is your day job? Hmmm.

To Arctic Mooses, Caribou and other assorted wildlife: Run like hell. Canada is due east.

To Joe Trippi: Blogger buzz doesn't equal blogger power. From Dr. Dean to unseating Jim "Screwball" Bunning, something went awry.

To Howard Stern: There's a big boogeyman outside (Michael something, I believe he said his name was) who wants to see you about something. Says to bring your wallet.

To All the New Young Voters Who Didn't, Appparently, Have the Time to Make It To the Polls: What are you doing the next few summers? Hows' about 2 years in Iraq, or maybe Iran? Got the time for that?

To Pushy Gays & Uppity Negroes: Canada is due north. Watch out for the mooses.



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