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Tuesday, August 23, 2005

NOT THE BOROWITZ REPORT

Oil prices surged to a new record high yesterday after the news came in that the Yankees had lost yet another game and may not qualify for the off-season.

"The prospect of thousands of Yankees fans driving around with nowhere to go this fall really spooked the market ," said noted analyst Gerald Olfatz.

Even though supplies are higher than ever, it's been a season of shocks, said Olfatz. "We had the safe return of the space shuttle, something few had expected. We've had meteor showers. We've had disappearing coeds. It's been really hot in parts of the country and really rainy in other places How could prices not skyrocket?"

Reacting to the news, White House spokesman Sam Snape blamed the recent increases on peace protesters encamped outside the president's ranch in Crawford, TX.

"Think of the gas these people wasted coming down here," Snape said. "And we have also learned that they are running two very inefficient generators to power air conditioners inside their tent."

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