TOMORROWKNOWS

OPENS UP HIS MOUTH, AND HIS TONGUE FALLS OUT

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I've saved a few jokes for many years, waiting for the perfect opportunity to use them. I'm tired of waiting, so I'm giving them up.

#1.

Boss: See here, I'm tired of you getting your hair cut on company time.

Employee: It grows on company time.

Boss: It doesn't all grow on company time.

Employee: I don't get it all cut off.

I heard this when I was about twelve. It made such a great impression on me that I resolved to try and bring it into the real world, once I actually entered that world myself. So, in all my years in the work force, through all kinds of jobs, I have made it a point to get my hair cut during work time. Yet through these many years, no boss or supervisor has ever said a word to me. I've gone six months between haircuts, come into work looking like Charles Manson, and returned from a two hour lunch shorn down to almost nothing, and gotten no reaction. So, I surrender.

#2.

Lady: (running from her house with a bag of trash) Am I too late for the garbage?

Garbageman: No, hop right in.

I could never envision myself as a parent, a father. I didn't think I had the requisite parent skill set. I couldn't imagine myself checking homework, lying that algebra really would be a help in later life. Diapers, training wheels, bad food, the whole thing didn't appeal to me.

The only thing I had going for me was the garbageman joke. I knew any kid would love it.

So here I am, some years later, with almost a passel of kids. All of whom would probably like a good joke. Unfortunately, we live in such a benighted area that there is no garbage pickup. We have to chauffeur our trash and recyclables to the local "resource center." The poor children have never seen a real garbageman.

This also means I'll never be able to offer the fake vocational advice on considering garbagemanning as an attractive career option since they only have to work two days a week.

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I also have an excellent farmer's daughter joke that I don't think I'll ever be able to tell, anywhere, to anybody.