TOMORROWKNOWS

MORNING IN AMERICA

I was a little bit surprised when I turned on the cable news yesterday and saw Tom "Show Me the Money" Ridge issuing a heightened terror alert for my sock drawer.

"These alerts aren't specific enough," I said to LZ. "I have two sock drawers, one for white socks and one for the colored. How am I supposed to act with such incomplete information?"

"The alert only applies to the colored sock drawer," intoned Tom Ridge.

"I wonder what I should do now," I said.

Dick Cheney was at the front door. "Remain vigilant, but go about your daily routine," he said.

"I'll try," I said. But the hallway was blocked by two cops in riot gear and a bomb sniffing dog. They finally let me pass after I showed them two forms of ID and allowed them to scan my feet.

However, when I got to the bedroom it too was guarded.

"It's a hot day," I said. "Maybe I'll just go sockless."

Mayor Bloomberg popped out of the laundry hamper. "Going sockless means the terrorists have won," he scolded. "Surely you're made of better stuff than that."

"I'll let you know," I said, and retreated to the kitchen.

LZ had brought in The New York Times. The warning was on the front page, above the fold.

"It says here," I said, "that the information was obtained from a pair of red and blue argyles which had actually been inside the drawer."

"Why, I threw them out years ago," LZ said. "I couldn't abide the sight of them. That information is dated. I don't think this terror alert is serious at all."

"Well," I said, "you can never be too careful. And don't you feel safer now, knowing that the government is right on top of these things?"

"Look," said LZ. "There's a helicopter landing in the driveway."