TOMORROWKNOWS

INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY

While inching my way to work the other morning in my piece of Jetta, I heard an interesting teaser on the radio news: “A new study shows that there may be differences in the brain structures of Democrats and Republicans.”

It wasn’t news to me. It fits a theory I’ve been working on for some years now. My latest proposal is to get nationwide IQ data organized by state. Shade the states who have a larger proportion of higher scores a certain color, say blue. Shade the states with a higher proportion of those scoring in the lower ranges another color, say red. Overlay the results on one of those election results maps of the blue and red states. Think there’d be a correlation?

News radio was back to a commercial. If I needed a fine driving machine, I could go to Westchester BMW. The best thing about Westchester is that there are no pesky auto salesman on the premises. One’s experience is enhanced by “fully empowered client advisors.” I like Guido’s philosophy the best.

The only problem with Westchester is that their service team may not be up to snuff.

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When I got to work, I quickly went to the New York Times to read about politician’s brains. The article, and the study it cited, was a big disappointment. The study was being done for the benefit of political consultants, admen, who were having subjects MRI’ed so that their brain responses reactions to various political advertisements could be evaluated. So far, they’d studied eleven people.

Eleven people gets you a lead on CBS NewsRadio and the front page of the New York Times? Well, I’ve got my own ongoing study about the brains of professional Democrats and Republicans, and I’m ready to report some preliminary findings.

I’ve been looking into the techniques used by politicians to pander to prospective voters by pretending to be regular people themselves, and I think I’m on to some highly relevant (at least by the standards of the major media) uh, stuff.

I’ve found that there are significant differences in the approach that politicians take when dumbing themselves down to appeal to the great unwashed.

Republicans play the trash food card:

Richard Nixon - Cottage Cheese and Ketchup
Ronald Reagan - Jelly Beans
GHW Bush - Pork Rinds
Present Bush - Pretzel Choking

And to give these results some historical context, check out this horror.

Democrats go for repulsive music:

Clinton/Gore - Fleetwood Mac morass
Al Gore - Macarena
John Kerry - “I Love Rap and Hip-Hop”

We do have some problematic findings to report:

Jimmy Carter – Allman Brothers supporter &
Jimmy Carter – Boiled Peanut lover

Just three or four more examples and I should be on my way to national press coverage.

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I was mulling this over when my office phone rang. It was my wife.

“Have you heard about this new study that’s out?” she asked. “It’s all over the news. Apparently, people who get up during the night and stuff their faces are more likely to become obese than those who stay in bed.”

“Let me catch my breath,” I said. “I’m just drowning in information.”