Tuesday, September 28, 2004
DON'T WORRY, BANDAR BUSH WILL SAVE US
I'm now taking advance orders for DON'T BLAME ME I VOTED FOR KERRY bumper stickers. They'll be in big demand next summer, but by then no one will be drive around and display them with the price of a gallon of gas around $3.50.
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I'm now taking advance orders for DON'T BLAME ME I VOTED FOR KERRY bumper stickers. They'll be in big demand next summer, but by then no one will be drive around and display them with the price of a gallon of gas around $3.50.
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
LATEST ADDITIONS TO TERROR WATCH LIST
This is an original document - verified by CBS News
Cat Stevens
Snoop Doggy Dog
Tiger Woods
Peter Coyote
Catfish Hunter
Sandra Bullock
Wolfman Jack
Redd Fox
Wolf Blitzer
George "The Animal" Steele
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This is an original document - verified by CBS News
Cat Stevens
Snoop Doggy Dog
Tiger Woods
Peter Coyote
Catfish Hunter
Sandra Bullock
Wolfman Jack
Redd Fox
Wolf Blitzer
George "The Animal" Steele
Saturday, September 18, 2004
DEMOCRACY IS COMING TO THE USA
"Well, it looks like I'm a cinch to be reelected Head of the Household," I told LZ. "The latest poll results are in and I've taken a commanding lead."
"I can't believe that," said LZ. "I take care of the children all day when you are at work. I wash their clothes, get their meals, help with the homework. Whereas you've been so busy at work, or so you say, that you haven't even held a family conference in weeks."
"The children want a strong leader," I said. "I've been out protecting the family, making the family safer. You've stayed home and molly-coddled them. That's a sign of weakness."
"I don't know how you can say you've been making the family safer." LZ said. "The back yard is such a disaster area that I can't even let them out."
"I told you those squirrels were a threat," I said. "You agreed with me that something had to be done."
"I didn't think you'd chop down every tree and dynamite big holes all over," LZ said. "Now, not only are there more squirrels than ever out there, but our neighbors are mad as us because of the big mess we made."
"I did get that big one a few months ago," I said.
"He's still out there, in a cage, agitating all the other ones," LZ said. "You didn't even have a plan for what to do once you went out there and caught him."
"I'm staying the course," I'm said. "I've explained to the children that you supported me, but then changed your mind. They've indicated to me that they don't want a flip flopper in charge of this family."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I see this poll gives you high marks for the way you handle the economy and finances of the family," LZ said. "I don't see how that can be."
"The children like it that I've given them their own money to spend," I said. "They don't feel all decisions should come from the top."
"But you've given them so much that the family is broke," LZ said. "We didn't have enough money to run the air conditioner this summer. We didn't cut the grass. When the environment suffers like that, quality of life goes down for all."
"The children don't see it that way," I said. "They like to make their own financial decisions."
"But you've been fooling them," LZ said. " You tell them they have extra money, but you charge them for rides, you make them pay for their own medicine, you've even added a surcharge for sleeping in their own beds."
"You can't just expect the family to provide these services for nothing, do you?" I asked. "This is a free country, where everything has a price. That's the natural order of things, after all."
"Have you explained this to the children?" LZ asked.
"Certainly," I said. "I held a rally just the other day. I told everyone how you were one of those tax and spend, tax and spend, people. Then I yelled No New Taxes real loud and everyone cheered."
"I can't believe they would fall for that," LZ said. "When I was in charge of the family finances we were doing fine. Now we're practically on our way to the poorhouse."
"No New Taxes," I yelled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know why you're so smug," LZ said. "My own internal poll shows that I actually have a strong lead."
"My poll was done among likely voters," I said. "That's the difference."
"What do you mean?" LZ asked. "They all say they are going to vote. It's important to them."
"Well," I said. "They all may intend to vote, but in reality that won't happen."
"Why not?" LZ asked.
"I don't think D will be able to vote," I said. "I'm closing the polls before he gets home from school. It's a matter of houseland security. And CR assures me that T2's handwriting is so illegible that her ballot will be disallowed."
"What's this about CR?" LZ asked. "What does your brother have to do with this?"
Don't you remember?" I asked. "He did such a good job supervising our last family election that I've asked him to help us again."
"I'm beginning to get a bad feeling about this," LZ said.
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"Well, it looks like I'm a cinch to be reelected Head of the Household," I told LZ. "The latest poll results are in and I've taken a commanding lead."
"I can't believe that," said LZ. "I take care of the children all day when you are at work. I wash their clothes, get their meals, help with the homework. Whereas you've been so busy at work, or so you say, that you haven't even held a family conference in weeks."
"The children want a strong leader," I said. "I've been out protecting the family, making the family safer. You've stayed home and molly-coddled them. That's a sign of weakness."
"I don't know how you can say you've been making the family safer." LZ said. "The back yard is such a disaster area that I can't even let them out."
"I told you those squirrels were a threat," I said. "You agreed with me that something had to be done."
"I didn't think you'd chop down every tree and dynamite big holes all over," LZ said. "Now, not only are there more squirrels than ever out there, but our neighbors are mad as us because of the big mess we made."
"I did get that big one a few months ago," I said.
"He's still out there, in a cage, agitating all the other ones," LZ said. "You didn't even have a plan for what to do once you went out there and caught him."
"I'm staying the course," I'm said. "I've explained to the children that you supported me, but then changed your mind. They've indicated to me that they don't want a flip flopper in charge of this family."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I see this poll gives you high marks for the way you handle the economy and finances of the family," LZ said. "I don't see how that can be."
"The children like it that I've given them their own money to spend," I said. "They don't feel all decisions should come from the top."
"But you've given them so much that the family is broke," LZ said. "We didn't have enough money to run the air conditioner this summer. We didn't cut the grass. When the environment suffers like that, quality of life goes down for all."
"The children don't see it that way," I said. "They like to make their own financial decisions."
"But you've been fooling them," LZ said. " You tell them they have extra money, but you charge them for rides, you make them pay for their own medicine, you've even added a surcharge for sleeping in their own beds."
"You can't just expect the family to provide these services for nothing, do you?" I asked. "This is a free country, where everything has a price. That's the natural order of things, after all."
"Have you explained this to the children?" LZ asked.
"Certainly," I said. "I held a rally just the other day. I told everyone how you were one of those tax and spend, tax and spend, people. Then I yelled No New Taxes real loud and everyone cheered."
"I can't believe they would fall for that," LZ said. "When I was in charge of the family finances we were doing fine. Now we're practically on our way to the poorhouse."
"No New Taxes," I yelled.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"I don't know why you're so smug," LZ said. "My own internal poll shows that I actually have a strong lead."
"My poll was done among likely voters," I said. "That's the difference."
"What do you mean?" LZ asked. "They all say they are going to vote. It's important to them."
"Well," I said. "They all may intend to vote, but in reality that won't happen."
"Why not?" LZ asked.
"I don't think D will be able to vote," I said. "I'm closing the polls before he gets home from school. It's a matter of houseland security. And CR assures me that T2's handwriting is so illegible that her ballot will be disallowed."
"What's this about CR?" LZ asked. "What does your brother have to do with this?"
Don't you remember?" I asked. "He did such a good job supervising our last family election that I've asked him to help us again."
"I'm beginning to get a bad feeling about this," LZ said.
Tuesday, September 14, 2004
GREGGG EASTERBROOK: SHARK JUMPER
Jumps & Leaps of the last year:
1. Breaks third wall by cavorting with Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders before game 1 of 2003 season.
2. Blog post about money grubbing Jews creates uproar.
3. In same post, includes a gratuitous comment about Pulp Fiction.
4. Thinks Joyce's The Dead is a novel.
5. Doesn't correct said mistake even when advised of same by well-intentioned reader.
6. Nonsense article in this week's TNR.
7. No matter where sited, TMQ rarely appears before noon, EDT or EST (as applicable).
8. TMQ now so calcified that no matter what the games or scores, the column remains the same.
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Jumps & Leaps of the last year:
1. Breaks third wall by cavorting with Philadelphia Eagles cheerleaders before game 1 of 2003 season.
2. Blog post about money grubbing Jews creates uproar.
3. In same post, includes a gratuitous comment about Pulp Fiction.
4. Thinks Joyce's The Dead is a novel.
5. Doesn't correct said mistake even when advised of same by well-intentioned reader.
6. Nonsense article in this week's TNR.
7. No matter where sited, TMQ rarely appears before noon, EDT or EST (as applicable).
8. TMQ now so calcified that no matter what the games or scores, the column remains the same.
